Two Men

I should have written my dream journal first thing in the morning, as now I only have the sketch of my dream with most details gone.

I had two men coming to my dream. The first was my current Sales Manager. We somewhat had a tacit attraction on the first sight. He seemed to be able to see through me. I don’t recall any conversations (like my other dreams do) between us. There was a scene we were both naked in bed. But there was no actual sex or much of a physical. I think our liking to each other had more elements of admiration, respect, fondness and inner connection rather than lust (although admittedly he is one of the two men in the whole office of forty people who I think has a personal charisma).

There was a certain eye contact between him and me which seemed to contain all the feelings we had towards each other. Then the next scene took me to a court proceeding where he was charged with bigamy as he was a married man prior to meeting me. It was a serious charge and there was no way he could defend himself. He was sentenced to several years of imprisonment. I couldn’t forget that innocent but despair look in his eye.

The other man was Xing, who I had a short term relationship with thirteen years ago. (FYI - he was a wealthy real estate tycoon with a closed heart). He came to my dormitory to look for me. Somehow he missed me. He managed to find himself another dormitory in the campus to stay for the night. When I found him next morning, I was not impressed that he came to look for me and managed to stay for the night. When he left, I followed him. I was not sure why I followed him perhaps I was curious to find out where he was going. I saw him disappeared in a bush near the river.

Giving Birth

I am in labour.

There are two people in the deliver room helping me. One is a woman and one is a man. I hear them say: “Push! Push harder!”

It is a very slow process. Just before the baby comes out, they tell me that the baby has already died - died of lack of oxygen. I am a little suspicious as to what I am told. But when the baby comes out, he is alive!

It is a tiny baby boy.

…

I am proud and glad that I’ve now got a boy. It seems God knows my wishes. (In reality, however, I’ve always liked girls). One day when I pick the baby up from our bed, he slips out of my hand and falls to the bed. I have an instant fright and blame myself for using only one hand to pick him up. However he appears fine. My logic tells me that he is too light to suffer any internal injuries. On the other hand, I am not sure how fragile or strong a baby is to endure such an accident. Still learning as a new mother, aren’t I?

Some time has passed. I am more and more worried. I start to think if I should take the baby to the hospital to have a X-ray to check if he suffered any injuries from that fall. Having him checked would give me the peace of mind. On the other hand, I am a little worried that the doctor might suspect that I did it on purpose. They may lay a charge against me for trying to kill my baby and I’ll be dragged into a long proceeding to defend that I am just a new mother who accidentally makes mistakes.

Mood

(This dream was recorded on 21 November 2004)

(Background: Hubby learned that his company laid off forty-eight staff while he was on a work trip in Thailand. At the moment he hasn‘t been back to work yet. So he knows nothing more than that. I had the following dream in my afternoon nap.)

Hubby returns to work after three weeks away.

He goes to the Human Resource Department where he sees Antonia, the Human Resource Manager, and another new face, male.

He has been given a booklet about the company’s recent restructuring. But he wants to find out a bit more about it and has some questions on employment relationship.

Apparently part of the new structuring rules include that, if an employee has an employment relationship enquiry, he/she must first go to see the company’s new Senior Legal Executive (whose salary is $57,000), the new face in Antonia’s office. In the past, the company had a Junior Legal Executive to handle these enquiries, who has now been replaced by this Senior Legal Executive.

Hubby asks a few questions. Antonia says that she has already explained things at the company meeting in detail and that if he reads the booklet he was given, the answers are pretty much there. There is a piece of transparency (one of the transparencies she used for the presentation at the company meeting) on top of everything on her desk, on which a few key words are written. One word which is circled and emphasised is the word mood. She explains to hubby that, sometimes a seemingly serious or big matter is actually a small matter, and needs not be attended to immediately because it occurs when people are in a bad mood. When people sort out their mood, so is the matter concerned.

The whole time the Senior Legal Executive didn't say a word.

David & Victoria Beckham

(This dream was recorded on 23 June 2005)

I have finished work at mid-day. While walking home. I wonder how I’ll kill the rest of my day. Maybe I can stop by at my friend’s bakery (my childhood girlfriend) to catch up with her. It’s only a thought though. We’ve been friends ever since we were kids, but my life has changed so much yet hers hasn’t. Although I am always happy to see her, I don’t find that many topics we can actually talk about.

As I walk, I hear a voice from behind saying “there is a hole in your stockings!” and some laughs. I instantly go pale and my breathe stops as I think it’s me. I am wearing a dark grey business suit with a short skirt above my knee and of course long stockings. I turn around and try to check where the hole is. “It’s not you. It’s her!” The guys behind me is laughing.

Now I realise that it’s the girl in front of me he is laughing at. There is a huge hole from top to bottom in her stockings. However, she acts as if she doesn’t hear anything and keeps walking with her head high.

I walk past a dancing ball. I stop for a second and think if I should go in as I have plenty of time. However, being alone and wearing a business suit doesn’t make me feel too good as everyone else is wearing appropriate dancing dress and with people they know. I stay in the dancing ball for a few minutes just to see what’s happening. As nobody talks to me, I don’t feel in a party mood and leave.

I am on a busy street now and hear all the bustling and hustling. As I turn into a corner, I see Victoria Beckham and one of her young boys riding a toy horse. There are two of those toy horses at the corner. They seem very happy and I hear her talking to her son in a high pitch voice.

I somehow learn that she lives in the house at the corner. And the reason they bought this house in the city centre is because they love these two toy horses on the street as her boys love them.

I am invited to visit her house. Apparently they bought two houses and converted them into one. There are two middle aged women who are obviously their housekeepers. They look very reliable and trustworthy people who would not sell the Beckham’s stories to magazines for money. I see David Beckham in the garden playing with a water hose.

I notice they have a few pets - a dog, a cat, a black warthog and a gigantic black star fish. The star fish would be about 80 square meters and takes most of the ground area. I am thinking: “Hmm, rich people do have some eccentric tastes!”

I note that hubby is there too. Apparently he has already been there by the time I arrive. It’s kind of funny hubby and I meet at Beckham’s without proper arrangement. He is more at home than me at the Beckhams as if he’s been there for a while or been there before.

I am a little curious as to how hubby end up being at the Beckham’s. Somehow I am told that the Beckhams hired a secret agent to look for a sperm donor who must be good-looking, smart and intelligent. In the end, hubby was the only one that could meet their criterion. I am thinking: haven’t they got enough children of their own? Perhaps Victoria doesn’t think her husband is smart enough? or, does she want to use a sperm donor to attempt a baby girl?

Next we are in the woods behind their house. Two body guards are playing with a volleyball. Victoria tell them that she wants to join them and play. I gather she’s never played volleyball before and just wants to have some fun. The two body guards throw the ball to her very hard and she catches the ball accurately with both of her wrists and the ball bounces into the air. She manages to do that so well while she is wearing high-heel sandals. As she is on short pants, I notice she has beautiful long legs. I think she is a very talented woman and definitely a fast learner. Another conclusion that comes into my mind is that: She is a very determined woman and she can almost learn anything instantly.

In London

My husband and I are in London. We are to visit an old relative of his - one he hasn’t seen for years.

It’s early in the morning. We need to take a bus to get to his relative‘s place. As we are both new in London (well at least I am), we have to resort to a street map. My husband finds the bus station from the map - it is three intersections away. He grabs my hand firmly to walk on the busy streets as if he is afraid of losing me. After the second intersection, I see a bus station and ask him if he is sure that this is not the bus station we are looking for. He says of course not. Finally we come past the third intersection and find a bus station.

There are not many people waiting. I notice however there are two traffic police at the bus station. They both wear bulky, thick long coat. It must be winter.

While we are waiting, more and more people have turned up. In a few minutes time there are at least fifty to sixty people arrived at the bus station. I begin to understand why the two traffic police are there - to keep order.

The bus turns up. But no way all the people can get on the bus. With the help of the two traffic police, people are lined up in a queue. But what a long queue! As the bus is already almost full, someone comes up with a creative solution, which is, to add an extra carriage to the bus. It turns out that this added part is a container-like carriage. We have to climb a ladder to get onto the carriage.

I am the first one in the line. By the time I get to the top of the ladder the bus has started. I look underneath and see my husband is right below me and a few other people still hanging onto the ladder. I am most surprised that in London a bus should take off with people still on the ladder.

The carriage is enclosed at the top, front and both sides . As I am facing the front, I can’t see anything. Suddenly I realise that I should pay attention to the streets sceneries since it is the first time I am in London. I manage to climb over the ladder and get into the carriage, and turn myself around so I could see the streets.

The road has three parts and is divided by two rows of short trees. Basically it has a pedestrian lane on each side and a main part. I think the main part perhaps has four lanes altogether - two on both sides. Traffic is not bad at all. The road is very broad and open (as opposed to congested and narrow). The buildings on each side are mostly flats and low-level buildings.

I see two girls in their late teens or early twenties walking together merrily. They both wear a pink short sleeve shirt. The sleeves however are white. On their upper chest there is a ribbon - a very animated looking! They almost look like twins but after carefully observation I come to the conclusion that they are probably just friends having similar dressing tastes. They both wear short skirts - same style but different in colour.

When we get off the bus and are on our way to my husband’s old relative, we realise that we haven’t warned them that we are coming. We begin to worry a little bit as to if they will be at home at all.

The next thing… we turn up at my brother’s place. He and his wife are having breakfast. While my brother looks like his usual self at home, I notice that my sister-in-law looks a bit too ‘refined’ considering she is only having breakfast with her husband at home. Her face is very smooth and flawless - the effect from a perfect application of makeup. Somehow I feel a little odd with her looking like this at home.

I know my brother has to go to work in a hurry and feel somewhat guilty to just turn up like this

A Musical Show

(This dream was recorded on 12 May 2005)

A friend of mine runs a musical show. She is forty something and is perhaps single.

The show is like the traditional style of circuit – it’s mobile but very organised and efficient. My friend owns the show and the players in the show are like a big gypsy family.

There have been over 40 shows locally. It’s been the same show but can be slightly different every time. I always hang around with them (not sure why). Occasionally there will be an audition to recruit an extra ‘staff’ as the story changes or to find a replacement if an existing cast leaves the show to pursue something else in life. In one of the auditions there is a teenage boy who instantly merges himself into the shown effortless. When the next show starts and the velvet is opened, the first scene is this boy singing with his guitar. I am amazed that the boy just fits in so naturally. He is an amateur in the show business but he is such a good performer.

While the show is still on, I walk into my friend’s studio (which is also her habitat). It is relatively a small room and things are all over the place and on the floor. At the corner of the room there is an open rack where all her clothes are hung. I notice that her clothes are all very colourful. One of the clothes jammed in the middle still has its price tag on it. Out of curiosity I pull the clothes apart to reach the price tag. It says $743. I am surprised because that article of clothes doesn’t look like an expensive one nor does it look like a designer piece.

When my friend is back from the stage, I ask her how long she is going to run this show for. I am a little concerned that the show has been running for some 40 times in the local area and she might eventually run out of audience. She says to me that frankly she doesn’t know how long she will be running this show for. At the moment she just knows that she can’t stop as the show is her life and soul. If one day it has run its course, she’ll know and something else will come up.

In the meanwhile, my husband and I come to watch this show every time. (Maybe it’s because we like the show very much? Or maybe it’s because the owner of the show is our friend? ) As usual, we are about to take the ferry to the other side of town to get to the place to see the show. The river is long and narrow and the other side of the bank is perhaps just less than half a mile’s distance. Before we embark on the ferry, my husband asks me the same question I asked my friend before. He says: “Honey, we’ve been to this show many times. How long do you think we want to watch this show for?”

Olympic Champion, Not Me!

(This dream was recorded on 7 September 2004)

I was at home having a farewell party with my family and friends before I left for the Olympic Games. I was one of the athletes of the gymnastics team representing for the country (China).

The party seemed to last forever and I felt that there was plenty of time for me to get ready for my departure. There were many happy faces and everyone was in high spirit with the drinks and food. Suddenly someone said “Ella, there is only 10 minutes left for the coach bus to come around and pick you up!” Oh shit…

I had a look at my sister. She had been busy packing my bag for me. She had selected the clothes and items she believed that I would need for my trip. I didn’t expect her to do anything like that for me. But I guess she just enjoyed taking good care of me like she always did. When I took a look in the bag, there were far too many things in the bag and some of the items I did need were not in there. I had to quickly make a list in my mind of those items I need and throw out a lot of the clothes which I didn’t think I would need. In a few minutes I got my bag sorted and I was happy that I only had one carry bag with me for the trip. I liked to travel light.

When I rushed out of my house into the street, I saw the coach bus with a full load of Olympic delegates driving past me. I waved at the bus and yelled for it to stop. The people on the bus saw me. The bus took a U-turn in a couple of minutes and stopped to pick me up. I got up the bus. There was only one seat left. Phew! What a fright I had that I almost missed the bus and ruined my chance to go for the Game!

The Olympic city seemed to be one city in France (or one of the European countries). It was a nice, warm and sunny place and I saw people coming from all over the world. I was supposed to compete for the free style gymnastics. However, I couldn’t remember if I performed at all, or if my performance was poor. All I knew was that the girl who was an average athlete and was not expected to win surprised us all and the whole world. Nobody took any notice of her performance until in the very end she stood out to be the best and took the No. 1 world title.

I was the best in the team. Everyone had been speculating before I went to the Game that I was expected to win the championship. However, the Olympic champion was not me.

Being Comfortable With Yourself

(This dream was recorded on 18 February 2005)

I am in a class.

We are to learn something very special in this class.

The tutor tells us to take our clothes off to the extent that we feel comfortable. Then we begin to comment on our own bodies on the parts we like or don’t like. We are encouraged to tell the reasons as to why we do or don’t like those parts. We are also encouraged to pick on any member in the class and comment on his/her body subject his/her prior approval. We are told to remember one important point which is, our comments must be non-judgemental either to ourselves or others. All we need to do is to observe and tell our feelings.

What an interesting experience it will be!

There are six students in the class. The first person is a tall, thin, short-haired young Western woman who is totally naked and her body looks perfect. It is obviously that she is very comfortable with her body and she has no problem to reveal it. The second is a short, dark-haired woman who is in her twenties. She is not as comfortable as the first lady and she has her top and nickers on. The third person is a middle-aged woman who I can’t remember particular features. The fourth and fifth are two Indians - a girl of about 16 and a boy of about 12, who appear to be brother and sister. They follow the tutor’s instructions and they are also naked. The last person is me. I am fairly comfortable with my body but for some reason I have a semi-transparent tape covering the part where my pubic hair is.

We then start telling our feelings about our bodies. I remember that the first good-shaped lady has no problem in talking about herself. It is obvious that she is not only confident about herself, she also has no hidden issues or social taboos as to our bodies. I wonder if she is a model or actress. The second lady says she doesn’t like her body as it is always fat and that she hates to see herself naked. The Indian boy and the India girl perhaps because of their age, they are a bit shy and have little to say. I think they may not enjoy this class.

When it is my turn, I point out that the part I like about myself is my breasts although I have almost never received compliments from guys. But I like them because they are the perfect size and shape for me. Also there is no part in my body that I hate.

No one makes any comment on others although we are given such an opportunity. Perhaps it is because it is our first class?

We have been made so comfortable with ourselves and with others that at the end of the class we are all naked and talking about anything!

When I leave the classroom, I see an Indian woman talking to my tutor. No doubt she is the mother of the Indian boy and girl. She tells the tutor that her children love the class so much that they can’t wait for the next class because they have learnt a lot from this exercise. Obviously my earlier thinking that they were not comfortable or embarrassed is not true.

An Angelic Kingdom

(This dream was recorded on 13 August 2004)

My husband and I were on a holiday tour. It was in summer in New Zealand - somewhere we haven’t been before.

We were cruising along on bicycles on a narrow street, both sides were covered by dense bush-like trees. The smell in the air was fresh with some woody and flowery scent.

There I found this big round tree, about three meters tall. It had green shining leaves and large, ball shaped pink flowers. To my surprise, it was roses! We got off our bicycles and started to observe, touch and smell them. The texture of the flower was smooth, the smell was pleasantly scented, and the stems had no thorns.

…

We were on a coach bus with a group of tourists. We sat at the front row in the bus on the left. There was a pair of ‘love birds’ sitting on the right front row. They were in their late teens or early twenties and appeared very much in love. They both wore a white T-shirt and green middle length pants – a very relaxed, harmonised and synchronised scene. We started talking to them, and found they were Chinese. We felt very comfortable with them after chatting away and decided to team up for the rest of the holiday journey with them, together with their baby - a big black Labrador.

…

The bus stopped at a wharf in a small town. When we got off the bus, and assembled on the wharf, we noticed that there was a small crowd there, all looking up in the sky.

What was in the sky?

The sky was not a sky. It was like a big IMAX movie screen in a cinema. On the screen was layers after layers of changing pictures. One moment it was a farm yard stacked with corns and wheat, another moment it was a face of a content new born baby. One moment it was hordes of racing horses, another moment it was a group of women gathering around a well taking turns to fetch water from the well, giggling and gossiping in the meanwhile…

Everyone on the wharf was totally absorbed and fell into some sort of meditative state by these amazing, wondrous, and serene moments - moments with no sound, no sense of time and space, but pictures after pictures, forever changing.

I Miss you, Mom!

(This dream was recorded on 19 September 2004)

There was a family memorial service held at home (our old home when we were kids). We were to pay tribute to the dead family members, including my grandparents and my aunty. The latest member was my mother. She lost her life during a trip to Nan Yue Mountain - one of the four most famous mountain resorts in China.

There were many envelops on a table, inside which were letters we had written to the dead ones. The envelopes would be burnt. It was said that when the letters were burnt, the dead ones could read or hear them. I had written one letter to my beloved mother. In my letter, I asked if she was happy there, and if she had settled for me and my husband’s life without children.

Mom had been worried about my life all her life. I did not want her to worry about my life any more. One of her main worries in recent years was that she was hoping to have a grandchild (or grandchildren) from me and my husband, a beautiful mixed-blood baby… She did not get her wish come true when she was alive. Would she ever be able to settle for the fact and be happy for us just the way it is?

"Are you missing mom?" My sister who was standing by me seemed to have read my thoughts.

I wanted to say yes and I also wanted to say to mom that I was not used to being without her. She had always been there for me all my life.

Something got stuck in my throat and words could not come out. Tears welled up in my eyes. There’s more and more of it until I could not hold any more. I started to weep, then sob. There was so much I wanted to say to mom that a letter was not enough. I was both angry and sad. I was angry that she went too early and too fast without giving me enough notice for me to say the things I could have wanted to say to her before she was gone. I was sad that I could have done more things to her when she was alive. But now I didn’t have a chance any more.

....

"Are you okay?" I was awakened by hubby. "Bad dreams?" He gave me a kiss. “Everything is fine. Coco (our cat) and I are here. It’s okay."