I Miss you, Mom!

(This dream was recorded on 19 September 2004)

There was a family memorial service held at home (our old home when we were kids). We were to pay tribute to the dead family members, including my grandparents and my aunty. The latest member was my mother. She lost her life during a trip to Nan Yue Mountain - one of the four most famous mountain resorts in China.

There were many envelops on a table, inside which were letters we had written to the dead ones. The envelopes would be burnt. It was said that when the letters were burnt, the dead ones could read or hear them. I had written one letter to my beloved mother. In my letter, I asked if she was happy there, and if she had settled for me and my husband’s life without children.

Mom had been worried about my life all her life. I did not want her to worry about my life any more. One of her main worries in recent years was that she was hoping to have a grandchild (or grandchildren) from me and my husband, a beautiful mixed-blood baby… She did not get her wish come true when she was alive. Would she ever be able to settle for the fact and be happy for us just the way it is?

"Are you missing mom?" My sister who was standing by me seemed to have read my thoughts.

I wanted to say yes and I also wanted to say to mom that I was not used to being without her. She had always been there for me all my life.

Something got stuck in my throat and words could not come out. Tears welled up in my eyes. There’s more and more of it until I could not hold any more. I started to weep, then sob. There was so much I wanted to say to mom that a letter was not enough. I was both angry and sad. I was angry that she went too early and too fast without giving me enough notice for me to say the things I could have wanted to say to her before she was gone. I was sad that I could have done more things to her when she was alive. But now I didn’t have a chance any more.

....

"Are you okay?" I was awakened by hubby. "Bad dreams?" He gave me a kiss. “Everything is fine. Coco (our cat) and I are here. It’s okay."