My Friend Hou

Hou and I are sitting in a 3-seater couch. The couch is just by the door. The room looks very low which suggests it is a flat. We’ve been chatting, catching up with things over the years. We haven’t seen each other for years.

Hou selects a book of mine. To my surprise, he starts to write things on the side of the book - the loose pages, without asking me. He has to bend/fold the book a little to make the side wider to give him more writing space. When he finishes I have a look at what he’s written. It says: From a lifelong friend Ella. I notice the book is one of my favourite self-help books. When you write things on the right side of the book, of course, each page is marked.

He has gifted himself a book of mine! Although a little surprised, I feel honoured. Not only it’s a privilege to be regarded as his lifelong friend, I am more than happy for him to keep that book as a gesture of our friendship.

I leave the couch to do something else. When I return, I notice that he has selected another book of mine and has done the same thing! The book is my English textbook and I need it for my final exam. Although I could do without this book, I feel safer to keep it in the mean time.

Strangely, I don’t mind at all with what he did to my books. I ask him why he chose my English book as his English is good enough while the book is very simple. He tells me that now he no longer lives in the United States his English has slumped. This book actually suits him very well.

I tell him that I am quite happy to give him the English book next time when I meet him, or mail him after I have finished my exam.

We also chat about his personal life. I find out that his wife still lives in the United States. I ask him when they see each other next time. He tells me that he plans to go to the States to see her next year.

‘That’s too long! How can you guys live a life like this?’ I ask.

He remains silent.

Somehow I feel I have tapped into a sensitive subject which triggered deep emotions. How is he supposed to answer me? Easy? Not a problem?

Of course not!

I feel I want to give him something, to fill a void in his life. I love him so much. I care about him so much. We’ve been rock-solid friends for many years, it hurts to know that he is on his own most of the time.

I lean towards him and kiss him in his lips. I am totally surprised by what I did!

He does not respond passionately. I guess he is surprised too and doesn’t know what to do. I feel a little awkward. We both do.

I begin to analysis why I did it. What drove me to kiss him was definitely not lust. It was love, only love. However, this love is not in its purest form as I did think about the possibility of becoming his lover if he needs me. I think the motivation to that kiss is my desire to want him to be happy. I feel ashamed of my thoughts on the prospect of being his lover.